can't even describe.....

i'm accessing this at work- one of the only websites i can. I started this blog over 2 Christmas' ago to talk about stuff in my house- take pictures of them and tell the story of why i have it. That seems so trivial now, cute i guess but trivial.
my wife has skin cancer. She just told me. She's extremely private so it's under wraps right now but i think if I write it here, it just goes into a black hole, a void that won't answer back or tell anyone else they know. It's so much easier that way. I've been fighting trying to keep it together this last hour. I"ve broken down 3 times, and tried to fight it off, at least i'm under control now. she's worried- i'm worried, my dad just went through it, colon. Nikki has basic basal cell. It's incredibly treatable and that kind of cancer hardly ever spreads. The signs are all good that she will make a full recovery. Positive attitude got us through my dad's ordeal and that's what will have to work here. But it's my wife. The girl I've loved since the moment I saw her, maybe i didn't know it right away but it was there. She's always had this magnetism to her that has drawn me to her and to be able to ask her out, on a date, then to kiss her, to be with her, now to be married, have a daughter and travel and experience new things with her, dream come true. I guess with happiness always comes pain. Knowing everything should be fine isn't as comforting a thought as you would think. Just as with my dad, my only thought is why this person? And then I read 1 million people a year are diagnosed with skin cancer. Do you know anyone that's had it? Her grandfather is the only one, but it's a side of the family she hardly sees, so naturally I don't, so it doesn't affect me really, as harsh as that is to say. But this....dear god, she's the one I love and she's only 27 years old. Our daughter is only 3, why do we have to face this?

I'm very worried- but optimistic, what else can you be but those two things together? It's the perfect combination. If i lose it, or go into a deep sadness where does that leave her, as she's dealing with it? If I am 100% convinced she'll be fine, with no reservations at all, i'm ignoring the deadly killer cancer is, even though only 1 out of 1,000 people die from skin cancer a year. And if something happens, we're completely ill prepared, emotionally to deal with it. I had to go to the doctor today. Been urinating alot, and going no. 2 with blood in it. With my dad just having colon cancer I needed to get checked. Just have an infection. wow this is getting brutally honest. But nikki says to me "you need to go- we can't do this without you." That's all that goes through my mind- I can't do this without her. Whatever it takes we'll get there. As I stare and pour my heart into this void, it makes me think I should just go to an empty piece of woods and let it out, instead of throwing this into the mass of cyber space, but as the world changes so does everything. I love you nikki dear, my uno, as we say, my number 1. We'll beat this thing, we won't stop until we do.