hello blog-ites, don't know if that even means anything...
well it's been 24 hours since we found out about nicole's skin cancer feels so surreal to say that, besides being so tired and red-eyed, i've been fighting back tears today too, so much my eyes feel like a desert right now, so dried out. she's doing well with it though, can tell she's ready to break though, she almost did several times yesterday. we're just being strong and holding on right now.
nicole's brother has now moved in with us. it's a long story, overall, my feelings towards it are pretty okay. he's a good guy, got a raw deal from his ex- left him stranded with a lot of bills and the apartment and he really had no where else to turn. He's a busy guy too so probably won't see much of him, but i would want nicole to do the same for my brother if he needed somewhere to stay so i'm being supportive.
this sunday, looms our big reunion show, with all my friends from years past coming together. There's so much excitement about it, haven't felt this level of expectation for a long, long time. one thing could call it off though- our buddy steve, he organized it all, his uncle has now developed lung cancer. God damn fucking cancer. it's everywhere and i'm getting really sick of it ruining people's cheerfulness. he's usually an upbeat guy, changed a lot in recent years but he was pretty struck over this incident. his uncle is his dad in a lot of ways to him, his dad having passed away some years ago. and he is thinking of flying to scotland to see him in case this could be it for him. I talked to him for a good bit yesterday and fully support him if he needs to leave the country to be with family. it will effectively cancel the reunion but we can always do it again- besides wouldn't be the same without steve there. so we're waiting on that news.
work is dragging today, have way too much on my mind, feels like i'm wasting valuable time being here, but i'm not- this is how we get money to keep the house and live i'm just not in the mood to work with everything hanging over us right now. guess that's enough
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
can't even describe.....
i'm accessing this at work- one of the only websites i can. I started this blog over 2 Christmas' ago to talk about stuff in my house- take pictures of them and tell the story of why i have it. That seems so trivial now, cute i guess but trivial.
my wife has skin cancer. She just told me. She's extremely private so it's under wraps right now but i think if I write it here, it just goes into a black hole, a void that won't answer back or tell anyone else they know. It's so much easier that way. I've been fighting trying to keep it together this last hour. I"ve broken down 3 times, and tried to fight it off, at least i'm under control now. she's worried- i'm worried, my dad just went through it, colon. Nikki has basic basal cell. It's incredibly treatable and that kind of cancer hardly ever spreads. The signs are all good that she will make a full recovery. Positive attitude got us through my dad's ordeal and that's what will have to work here. But it's my wife. The girl I've loved since the moment I saw her, maybe i didn't know it right away but it was there. She's always had this magnetism to her that has drawn me to her and to be able to ask her out, on a date, then to kiss her, to be with her, now to be married, have a daughter and travel and experience new things with her, dream come true. I guess with happiness always comes pain. Knowing everything should be fine isn't as comforting a thought as you would think. Just as with my dad, my only thought is why this person? And then I read 1 million people a year are diagnosed with skin cancer. Do you know anyone that's had it? Her grandfather is the only one, but it's a side of the family she hardly sees, so naturally I don't, so it doesn't affect me really, as harsh as that is to say. But this....dear god, she's the one I love and she's only 27 years old. Our daughter is only 3, why do we have to face this?
I'm very worried- but optimistic, what else can you be but those two things together? It's the perfect combination. If i lose it, or go into a deep sadness where does that leave her, as she's dealing with it? If I am 100% convinced she'll be fine, with no reservations at all, i'm ignoring the deadly killer cancer is, even though only 1 out of 1,000 people die from skin cancer a year. And if something happens, we're completely ill prepared, emotionally to deal with it. I had to go to the doctor today. Been urinating alot, and going no. 2 with blood in it. With my dad just having colon cancer I needed to get checked. Just have an infection. wow this is getting brutally honest. But nikki says to me "you need to go- we can't do this without you." That's all that goes through my mind- I can't do this without her. Whatever it takes we'll get there. As I stare and pour my heart into this void, it makes me think I should just go to an empty piece of woods and let it out, instead of throwing this into the mass of cyber space, but as the world changes so does everything. I love you nikki dear, my uno, as we say, my number 1. We'll beat this thing, we won't stop until we do.
my wife has skin cancer. She just told me. She's extremely private so it's under wraps right now but i think if I write it here, it just goes into a black hole, a void that won't answer back or tell anyone else they know. It's so much easier that way. I've been fighting trying to keep it together this last hour. I"ve broken down 3 times, and tried to fight it off, at least i'm under control now. she's worried- i'm worried, my dad just went through it, colon. Nikki has basic basal cell. It's incredibly treatable and that kind of cancer hardly ever spreads. The signs are all good that she will make a full recovery. Positive attitude got us through my dad's ordeal and that's what will have to work here. But it's my wife. The girl I've loved since the moment I saw her, maybe i didn't know it right away but it was there. She's always had this magnetism to her that has drawn me to her and to be able to ask her out, on a date, then to kiss her, to be with her, now to be married, have a daughter and travel and experience new things with her, dream come true. I guess with happiness always comes pain. Knowing everything should be fine isn't as comforting a thought as you would think. Just as with my dad, my only thought is why this person? And then I read 1 million people a year are diagnosed with skin cancer. Do you know anyone that's had it? Her grandfather is the only one, but it's a side of the family she hardly sees, so naturally I don't, so it doesn't affect me really, as harsh as that is to say. But this....dear god, she's the one I love and she's only 27 years old. Our daughter is only 3, why do we have to face this?
I'm very worried- but optimistic, what else can you be but those two things together? It's the perfect combination. If i lose it, or go into a deep sadness where does that leave her, as she's dealing with it? If I am 100% convinced she'll be fine, with no reservations at all, i'm ignoring the deadly killer cancer is, even though only 1 out of 1,000 people die from skin cancer a year. And if something happens, we're completely ill prepared, emotionally to deal with it. I had to go to the doctor today. Been urinating alot, and going no. 2 with blood in it. With my dad just having colon cancer I needed to get checked. Just have an infection. wow this is getting brutally honest. But nikki says to me "you need to go- we can't do this without you." That's all that goes through my mind- I can't do this without her. Whatever it takes we'll get there. As I stare and pour my heart into this void, it makes me think I should just go to an empty piece of woods and let it out, instead of throwing this into the mass of cyber space, but as the world changes so does everything. I love you nikki dear, my uno, as we say, my number 1. We'll beat this thing, we won't stop until we do.
Friday, March 18, 2011
It's Friday friends
The weekend, great, glorious weekend is upon us.....things happening (give you a sample of my life this weekend)
Tonight- Savannah and I will go to the grocery store, then come home and hang out till it's time to get Nicole- go pick her up and come home and get her dinner ready
Tomorrow- Helping my brother Jake move in the morning- he's helped me out several times so anytime i can help him i like to- UFC tomorrow night- Jones v. Shogun should be an awesome card and that fight alone will do big numbers
Sunday - Universal day of rest, although i have some chores this weekend, per normal, keep working on the bathroom upstairs, putting grout on the holes in the wall and sanding them down- need to fix one of Savannah's drawers, etc.
Things on the horizon:
There's a lot of stuff coming up that I need to get prepared for:
April 3rd- A reunion between me and a group of my friends- we had our own backyard wrestling group, since 1997 and it's a strange thing but we've done it for so long and it's made us all extremely close in one regard, except now we don't have it so the bond has been stretched, but we have organized a "reunion" of sorts to pay homage and to enjoy each other's company in that arena one more time. We give out our own Hall of Fame plaques, my good friend Steve will be the recipient of one this time so need to get that thing bought; supposedly some other people are going to chip in, either with ordering and/or money to do it, we'll see.....haven't had any volunteers yet.
That day is also my brother Jeremy's bday- he'll be in Afghanistan, unfortunately.
Day of WrestleMania also, our friend Adam will host a small bash at his apartment for the occasion
April 7th- 8th: Nic's birthday, which she hates her birthday, she'll be working on the actual day. She said we could celebrate the day after, what she doesn't know is i'm getting her aquarium tickets and getting her own laptop as a gift; I also need to fill her heart locket which she's had for like 3 years and I have never given her pictures for it. It's been a bane to figure out, but i have to get it done this time.
April 23rd- my brother Jake's 21st birthday- want to take him to the casino, or something, have some drinks with him, just do something fun and make him feel like it's a special occasion, because it is.
that's about it, have a good weekend
Tonight- Savannah and I will go to the grocery store, then come home and hang out till it's time to get Nicole- go pick her up and come home and get her dinner ready
Tomorrow- Helping my brother Jake move in the morning- he's helped me out several times so anytime i can help him i like to- UFC tomorrow night- Jones v. Shogun should be an awesome card and that fight alone will do big numbers
Sunday - Universal day of rest, although i have some chores this weekend, per normal, keep working on the bathroom upstairs, putting grout on the holes in the wall and sanding them down- need to fix one of Savannah's drawers, etc.
Things on the horizon:
There's a lot of stuff coming up that I need to get prepared for:
April 3rd- A reunion between me and a group of my friends- we had our own backyard wrestling group, since 1997 and it's a strange thing but we've done it for so long and it's made us all extremely close in one regard, except now we don't have it so the bond has been stretched, but we have organized a "reunion" of sorts to pay homage and to enjoy each other's company in that arena one more time. We give out our own Hall of Fame plaques, my good friend Steve will be the recipient of one this time so need to get that thing bought; supposedly some other people are going to chip in, either with ordering and/or money to do it, we'll see.....haven't had any volunteers yet.
That day is also my brother Jeremy's bday- he'll be in Afghanistan, unfortunately.
Day of WrestleMania also, our friend Adam will host a small bash at his apartment for the occasion
April 7th- 8th: Nic's birthday, which she hates her birthday, she'll be working on the actual day. She said we could celebrate the day after, what she doesn't know is i'm getting her aquarium tickets and getting her own laptop as a gift; I also need to fill her heart locket which she's had for like 3 years and I have never given her pictures for it. It's been a bane to figure out, but i have to get it done this time.
April 23rd- my brother Jake's 21st birthday- want to take him to the casino, or something, have some drinks with him, just do something fun and make him feel like it's a special occasion, because it is.
that's about it, have a good weekend
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Are things really better now?
Change is good- whoever said that was a wise person. You absolutely cannot live in this world without experiencing change. And (as I was once upon a time) to resist is futile...think that was Star Trek, but no matter. In every great story, you really can't have a great central character without him changing over the course of the plot, he/she has to learn, grow, make mistakes(sometimes pay dearly) but in the end, there has to be a redemption, a spirit cleansing Eureka moment to declare. We get all our stories from life, therefore a person needs to change over the course of their life, while keeping the things about them that keep them unique, as long as they are healthy or i'm guessing it won't be the long life you envisioned.
I'm currently reading "East of Eden," a Steinbeck epic, I won't go into the details of the story but it's a name you hear, but I had no idea what the story was. But i'm now 200 pages into 600 and it's nothing what I thought it would be and I have no idea where it's taking me, and I love it. That's what a story should do. I just finished reading the late Stieg Larsson's "Millenium" trilogy and it did the same thing, these are novels written 60 years apart but they accomplish the same goal; to take the reader on a journey, all the better if they don't expect it, or see what's coming and you feel like you've experienced that change with the reader.
But as i'm reading this story, of people living in the time and after of World War 1, they farm, they dream, women knit, men build things from their hands, it's a much simpler time, one we cannot even imagine with 3d Tv's, electric powered cars, etc. but I often wonder back to my childhood in the 80's; when kids could go outside and play and stay out all day, with no worry or care, now parents (myself included) wouldn't let their child venture outside by themselves no farther than they can see them, for fear of any number of creeps, psychos, or other wastes of humanity who can only fill their time thinking evil thoughts. My thoughts are resting on 2 examples; 1 is the internet, a blessing and a curse; for someone who likes to write, it's a blessing- no more painstaking hours at a library researching topics we may need to know about, but at the same time, it feels like too much power with all that knowledge at our fingertips. And how many people really use it, or seek it out? A radio contest, you have to call in with the answer to a question, this game has been going on as long as radio has been invented, but now, you don't need to hold any knowledge yourself to win said prize, you can simply pull out your blackberry, look it up, and win (if you can get through) there's not much worry that the first person who calls in won't have the answer and if they don't, there's really no excuse not to. Is it wrong to feel misgivings about something like this?
And back to writing, a sacred form of communication and expression that's been around since as long as people could think, they have thought to leave it somewhere for someone else to read. But is there such a thing as too much? Besides the millions upon millions of books out there, a good chunk of which are published, barely seen or read by anyone, but now there's no end to the number of blogs, journals, forums, columns,etc. you can find on the internet. Who's reading them? Who's reading this? Does it matter if you write it, yet no one reads it. I have written a novel- I've worked on it for years, 2 people have read it all the way, both of them twice. They both gave me notes, tips, and praise; in the end, they both enjoyed it. I've been asked or given it to a dozen more people; they've not said more than a sentence to me about it. What's the difference between my book which is not published and something that is published and never read by anyone? What's the difference between my book that I worked dilligently on for over 3 years, and a blog that's visited by over 1,000 people each week, where someone can simply post what they did that day, who they want to date or what movies they want to see? It's a cruel word, words being a mistress of sort, and sometimes, I think they are too many.
I may have gotten off topic from the headline of this, but that's what happens sometimes.
I'm currently reading "East of Eden," a Steinbeck epic, I won't go into the details of the story but it's a name you hear, but I had no idea what the story was. But i'm now 200 pages into 600 and it's nothing what I thought it would be and I have no idea where it's taking me, and I love it. That's what a story should do. I just finished reading the late Stieg Larsson's "Millenium" trilogy and it did the same thing, these are novels written 60 years apart but they accomplish the same goal; to take the reader on a journey, all the better if they don't expect it, or see what's coming and you feel like you've experienced that change with the reader.
But as i'm reading this story, of people living in the time and after of World War 1, they farm, they dream, women knit, men build things from their hands, it's a much simpler time, one we cannot even imagine with 3d Tv's, electric powered cars, etc. but I often wonder back to my childhood in the 80's; when kids could go outside and play and stay out all day, with no worry or care, now parents (myself included) wouldn't let their child venture outside by themselves no farther than they can see them, for fear of any number of creeps, psychos, or other wastes of humanity who can only fill their time thinking evil thoughts. My thoughts are resting on 2 examples; 1 is the internet, a blessing and a curse; for someone who likes to write, it's a blessing- no more painstaking hours at a library researching topics we may need to know about, but at the same time, it feels like too much power with all that knowledge at our fingertips. And how many people really use it, or seek it out? A radio contest, you have to call in with the answer to a question, this game has been going on as long as radio has been invented, but now, you don't need to hold any knowledge yourself to win said prize, you can simply pull out your blackberry, look it up, and win (if you can get through) there's not much worry that the first person who calls in won't have the answer and if they don't, there's really no excuse not to. Is it wrong to feel misgivings about something like this?
And back to writing, a sacred form of communication and expression that's been around since as long as people could think, they have thought to leave it somewhere for someone else to read. But is there such a thing as too much? Besides the millions upon millions of books out there, a good chunk of which are published, barely seen or read by anyone, but now there's no end to the number of blogs, journals, forums, columns,etc. you can find on the internet. Who's reading them? Who's reading this? Does it matter if you write it, yet no one reads it. I have written a novel- I've worked on it for years, 2 people have read it all the way, both of them twice. They both gave me notes, tips, and praise; in the end, they both enjoyed it. I've been asked or given it to a dozen more people; they've not said more than a sentence to me about it. What's the difference between my book which is not published and something that is published and never read by anyone? What's the difference between my book that I worked dilligently on for over 3 years, and a blog that's visited by over 1,000 people each week, where someone can simply post what they did that day, who they want to date or what movies they want to see? It's a cruel word, words being a mistress of sort, and sometimes, I think they are too many.
I may have gotten off topic from the headline of this, but that's what happens sometimes.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
the unbelievable stretch of time
yes this is a blog post and yes it has been a long time- but 'tis my blog for a reason, can post/not post at will and even if no one in the world sees it, it's nice to have a forum where your thoughts can run through a sieve into this little white text box and leave my head
- Japan....my god, been watching the videos, daring rescues, destruction from the waves, houses, towns, people washed away by nature. I've been saying this for a time, I do think at some point, the world is destined for a true cataclysmic event. Nature has never been more harsh than the last decade to us, event after event keeps occurring, it's frightening. But where does it come from? our misuse of the resources given to us when we were put/arrived here. Was this a test? when mankind was given this hunk of rock, were we put here as a science experiment to see if we would flourish or fail? this is all abstract and large in scope, i may even sound like a crazy person, but i think all of us have these thoughts from time to time.
- my younger brother called me last night, he's shipping off to Afghanistan as we speak. He told me in detail his requirements when he goes there last time he came to visit. They go to villages, set up a vast network of resources, whether it's clothes, food, running water, electricity, training, etc. and slowly ween the people of this village into being able to provide for themselves with the tools given. They also keep it safe and themselves safe from enemy fire or Taliban propaganda. It's a good thing they do. I have long thought why are innocent Americans still involved in this scenario? I'd much rather see my brother over in Japan, providing aid for those so many who have had it taken from them through no fault of their own, yet he remains in a country we have pretty much taken over since the last guy was in office. Obama at first talked of pulling out, yet nothing has happened. My faith in government is weakened yet again. But i think my brother is doing something good, all the men that go over there and help like that. Question is: When is it enough? You could go on doing that kind of service until the end of days and never complete your task. oh well- speaking of Obama, this is beyond his control, in most regards, but the rising price of gas should be a concern to him and all government officials- it's something that affects every single American, we need it to go anywhere, work, retail, grocery, hospitals, yet it seems it's regarded as less than important. It's draining money my family could use for much more valuable things every single day. I"m getting more and more sickened by the structure of every day life and the value of money in it. My family, we're not concerned with money, having loads of it, fighting over an extra million, as the NFL is, greedy ass people. We overpay our actors and athletes and politicians while we, the masses, are way underpaid or out of work, having to fight to fill the gas tank up. This has become a rant, but god damn it, it gets old.
- as i don't want this all to feel negative, or complain the whole time, my daughter is much older now,a year older in fact since i last wrote here. We had a fun time the last few nights- Savannah and Nicole have "dance parties" and i was privy to watch one, catching a few minutes on camera, haha. Savannah loves "paparazzi" by Lady Gaga- i previewed the music video online to see if appropriate for children- hell no it isn't. But we read some stories last night too, my brother Jake got her this huge classic children's book for xmas and we've already decimated it, she liked the Billy Goats Gruff, Thumbelina, and 3 Little pigs.
- See "Monster" it's a very thought provoking and intense movie,
- back to work, be at peace world
- Japan....my god, been watching the videos, daring rescues, destruction from the waves, houses, towns, people washed away by nature. I've been saying this for a time, I do think at some point, the world is destined for a true cataclysmic event. Nature has never been more harsh than the last decade to us, event after event keeps occurring, it's frightening. But where does it come from? our misuse of the resources given to us when we were put/arrived here. Was this a test? when mankind was given this hunk of rock, were we put here as a science experiment to see if we would flourish or fail? this is all abstract and large in scope, i may even sound like a crazy person, but i think all of us have these thoughts from time to time.
- my younger brother called me last night, he's shipping off to Afghanistan as we speak. He told me in detail his requirements when he goes there last time he came to visit. They go to villages, set up a vast network of resources, whether it's clothes, food, running water, electricity, training, etc. and slowly ween the people of this village into being able to provide for themselves with the tools given. They also keep it safe and themselves safe from enemy fire or Taliban propaganda. It's a good thing they do. I have long thought why are innocent Americans still involved in this scenario? I'd much rather see my brother over in Japan, providing aid for those so many who have had it taken from them through no fault of their own, yet he remains in a country we have pretty much taken over since the last guy was in office. Obama at first talked of pulling out, yet nothing has happened. My faith in government is weakened yet again. But i think my brother is doing something good, all the men that go over there and help like that. Question is: When is it enough? You could go on doing that kind of service until the end of days and never complete your task. oh well- speaking of Obama, this is beyond his control, in most regards, but the rising price of gas should be a concern to him and all government officials- it's something that affects every single American, we need it to go anywhere, work, retail, grocery, hospitals, yet it seems it's regarded as less than important. It's draining money my family could use for much more valuable things every single day. I"m getting more and more sickened by the structure of every day life and the value of money in it. My family, we're not concerned with money, having loads of it, fighting over an extra million, as the NFL is, greedy ass people. We overpay our actors and athletes and politicians while we, the masses, are way underpaid or out of work, having to fight to fill the gas tank up. This has become a rant, but god damn it, it gets old.
- as i don't want this all to feel negative, or complain the whole time, my daughter is much older now,a year older in fact since i last wrote here. We had a fun time the last few nights- Savannah and Nicole have "dance parties" and i was privy to watch one, catching a few minutes on camera, haha. Savannah loves "paparazzi" by Lady Gaga- i previewed the music video online to see if appropriate for children- hell no it isn't. But we read some stories last night too, my brother Jake got her this huge classic children's book for xmas and we've already decimated it, she liked the Billy Goats Gruff, Thumbelina, and 3 Little pigs.
- See "Monster" it's a very thought provoking and intense movie,
- back to work, be at peace world
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